I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
