Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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