I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
