apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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