you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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