quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
