I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
