your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
