I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
