I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
