I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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