Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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