State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
