I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
