I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
