3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
