I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
