I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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