I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
