Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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