I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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