I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just found puke in my bra..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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