a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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