can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
