If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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