I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
