Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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