all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
