matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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