i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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