I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
