You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
