I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
