Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
