I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
