i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
