I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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