Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I will die if light touches me.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
