Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
