you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
