I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my shit smells like andre
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
