dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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