i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
