evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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