Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did you just see the Batmobile???
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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