so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
