My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
