I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fuck appropriateness.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
