The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
