hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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