You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Welp...herpes.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
