My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What a dumb baby whore.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Randomize
