I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
