She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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